Sunday, 19 November 2017

So, how does it all work, this Chronopiracy, II ?

Finally - the power has run down on the damnable Procrastinationiser!
Now I feel the need to explain how things work around here, in some finer detail - so, get a biscuit and pin back your ears...

Actually, it is a little like, and yet unlike, angling, really.

It's all very well, sitting quietly on the riverbank, dangling your hook in the water and wondering what, if anything you are going to pull out of the murky pool...

Fishing analogies are all very well and good, but in the case of Chronopiracy, strangely fitting!

Sitting by a fishing hole is all very well, if you are looking for a quiet time away from it all, but when there are Timebuckles to be Swashed, it's just not enough... (Unless you are ice fishing, with a couple of litres of vodka cooling down another ice hole, but that's another thing altogether!)

In fact, dangling the Chronopiratical equivalent of a grappling hook down a time-hole and dragging it along who-knows what until it snags something can't even really be compared to fishing - it's more like dragging for a body - and you can't really tell what you might disturb... some sort of Relic, perhaps?
(In my defence - I didn't pull that thing out of the time hole - it just followed me home. Honest. )
I really should see if it is still trapped in the shed...

Sooner or later, the urge to get into the water arises!

So - what is he rambling on about now? I sense you thinking...
Well, now I have the means to venture personally Into the TimeStreams!
Impressive, eh?
Well, I must confess, that I have had the means for some time - where do you think I have been "fishing", eh?

The answer is...

Time Trousers! - Or rather - Time Travelling Trousers, rather than the late Mr Pratchett's lovely description of the moment-to-moment branchings of history.
Indeed - Trousers that let the wearer Travel in Time! Strap yourself into a pair - and awaaay we go!

Not quite as simple as  that though; Oh Dear Me - No.
 Like most things in life, and just about all things in everything else, there is, as always, a catch.

In this particular case, No Instructions...

Now buying most things that come without an instruction manual, is usually not too much of a problem, for those with a practical mind, and as I pride myself on practically having one, I decided, when the opportunity arose to acquire said Pants, I really didn't see that as a problem, for various reasons:

1. I didn't actually buy the Trousers in the first place. (Chronopirate, eh ;) )
2. I half expected the instruction book to be in one of the pockets. Did not expect a banana.
3. I had to act quickly to er, not buy the things in the first place, when the erstwhile occupant of the pants had his back turned. Have you seen how quickly an Orangutan can move?

Anyway, he (I believe it was a he), popped out of nowhere in these glorious strides, drops trou, pulls a stand out of a pocket, or so it seemed, and hung them up. He then swanned off on some apish errand, and I swiped them, so to speak (borrowed them, actually, according to my ambulance-chaser, ahem), whilst they were evidently recharging. Or something.

Now if anyone is actually reading this, I may just have given away the original and rightful owner of the Trousers, but, as I see it, if he wants them back, I can always return them to just after I, er, acquired them in the first place, so no harm done...

So, anyway, there I am, the new possessor of these:-

But with no bloody idea how they work - you would think that the controls would have some labels on them, but oh, no - that would be far too easy...

Anyway, by a careful scientific method, and a really long stick, I did manage to make something happen...

...and something started to glow inside...

And lo-
Some sort of Vortex appeared, inside the very Pants themselves! A good job then too, that I didn't try them on!
Sadly, the Vortex itself doesn't photograph at all... perhaps time is shy or something, but if you can imagine a twirly, swirly low-budget sci-fi movie whirlpool effect just inside the waistband...
Then you might have the same revelationary idea that I did - and drop a fishing line down into it! 
It did look like a good place to fish...

So now you know how I started in the Chronopiracy business! 

( I had some success with a camera, but I do need to keep some things to myself... ;)  )

Once I've figured out just how the controls work without sending my nether regions to the twilight zone, I'll let you know what - or where- I get up to! 

Ta ta for now!

Thursday, 9 November 2017

Oh Dear...

I must apologise for the lack of delicious postings of late, but I have an excuse!

I successfully built and tested a Procrastination Field Generator!

But - I can't be bothered to turn it off...

I'm sure the power will run down eventually 😁

(I'm here all week*. Try the fish - I can't be bothered.)

* {Or longer. How big is that voltaic pile anyway??}

Sunday, 10 September 2017

What could be worse than Scary Clowns watching you from across the street?

Perhaps Scary Clowns watching you sleep?

Scary Clowns.

It's bad enough when you can see them - but what if they were smaller?
What if they were the size of cats?
Or rats?

"Ooh!" I hear you say; "I would never have thought of such a thing! How ghastly!"

Good job that I am on the case then, is it not?

Well, best to be prepared, that's what I say, and so, in the unlikely event of Tiny Clown infestation, I thought it might be a good idea to set some, er, Tiny Clown Traps. ( Like big Rat Traps, you see. )

So I did.

And guess what?

I caught one of the little blighters!

Only the head though... I imagine the body has scuttled off to grow a new one or something. Heavens!

Doesn't he look surprised!

It looks like some frightful offspring of Clown and Meerkat; at least I'm not responsible for this one!

Although I still need to figure out just where that dreadful Yellow Sign got in...

Still, Me: 1 Clowns (tiny): 0 A fine result!

Off to reset the traps!

Ta ta!

Saturday, 9 September 2017

Advert time!

I have a new website!

It's a showcase for the things that our Chronopirates dredge up from the timestreams, with bigger pictures, so why not check it out!

Advert over!  As you were...

Saturday, 2 September 2017

A relic VIII...

By Tesla, that was odd!

I'm much better now, having stayed away from the accursed thing for a while.
I still haven't received certain arcane objects that I am certain to require, should I intend to attempt to contain the Thing's eldritch power... I do hope my agents are all right.

Until then, I shall avoid the benighted object, and turn my attention to other things I have long overlooked.

You may, then, look forward to a new, more coherent entry in this very journal shortly.

It's about time...

Saturday, 8 July 2017

A relic VII...

Argh... where am I?

Sorry, I haven't been feeling quite right.


I see... It's still there!

Sorry, did I pass out again?

What time is it- what day is it?? Mmmm... that tastes fuzzy. My tongue? Someone's tongue.

I survived it, so it would appear... I can still feel the infernal thing from here, trapped as it is beneath the mirror.
I must contain it, I nearly have all of the necessary materials...

Did I go off again? It all went dark...

Oh dear, one of my eyes has stopped working again.

I must get up to bed.

I can still feel it- pulling at me.

O gods.

Monday, 15 May 2017

A Relic VI - Revelation!

Oh my.

I can see what it is now!

I was right!
I know what it is! It is-
 The Yellow Sign.

My heart pounds, and I can taste copper.
The mirror seems to be working... it's holding it in a state of confusion.
It sits, quiet, waiting.
But without the wards, this can only be temporary!
I can feel malice in it...

I was a fool! Why did I move it?
I must place it back where it lay... perhaps it will remain dormant until the rest is ready!
I can only hope...